nigger is not the scariest word

lately, i feel niggerish.

i feel so niggerly. so negra. niggata. so nigged, renignig, so niggly,      so niggyniggy.

if i had a big ass niggermelon 

right nigger-now 

i'd bust it wide open 

sit in its hull and throw big, wet pink nigger chunks at passing cars.

i need a nigger t-shirt. i wonder how i might go about tattooing nigger on my face so that it might contour oh so subtly the bones of my phrenetic, bombastic nigger skull..

oh but you misunderstand me. i don't mean i'm a dirty black.

none of us are black.

nigger is not the scariest word.

the scariest word is black.

consider how meaningless:

                                              "there was a pretty black girl in the row"

                                   " big, black girls singing at church"

                     " young, black men at the park"

or more conspicuous:

                     "this big, black dude" or

                            "a black guy was following me" or

                                    "some black guy was asking for change"

                                            "this black guy wanted to dance with me"

the unnameable, unamenable, coding and coding.

signal, then:     the worsening situation

                        the turn of events
                        the quirking of things.
                        the somehow black somehow makes it all a little more…

black

nigger, if you must know, i am terribly, incredibly, wonderfully brown

like most of us niggers.

oh, but don't misunderstand me.

i am a nigger.

and nigger i'll claim until it means nigger-nothing. until nigger-cows come nigger-home.

niggernigger.

photo courtesy of Black History Mobile Museum:

 
this is all wrong.

nigger: offensive slang. 1.a. used as a disparaging term for a Black person. b. used as a disparaging term for a member of any dark-skinned people. 2. used as a disparing term for a member of any socially, economically, or politically deprived group of people. [alteration of dial. neger, black person < Fr. negre, Sp. negro.See NEGRO. ]

let's try this instead.

nigger: slang. 1.a. Used as a derogatory term for a person of African descent, e.g. "You are a nigger and we don't hire niggers." 2a. Used as a term of endearment to reference a Black person and how said Black person is seen in relationship to the rest of the world, particularly in relationship to white people, or other fair skinned people. e.g., "I'm all nigger, all day." 3a. Used as a sarcastic epithet to refer to those instances where people of African descent act in ways which are true to the stereotypes of people of African descent. "That nigger is always late. It's embarrassing." 4a. A phrase that is generally accepted (though debated and/or contested) in use by people who have grown up among poor people, particularly black people and other people of color, and is generally unaccepted and considered racist terminology when spoken by whites, or people who have not endured the average socioeconomic difficulties of black and dark-skinned races, globally, particularly as those who have experienced socially, economically, or politically deprived conditions. (NOTE: It is not enough to have lived among black people for 2 or 3 years as a college student.)

i am a nigger all day, all the time.

but i'm not your nigger, of course.

i'm my own nigger. sick of the nigger. so sick and nigged of nigger.

i'm this nigger that is all / beyond / surrounding / everything that's anything we niggers have left.