New Year's ... Resolve...n such

first, the ephemeral:

may this year give me courage. again. it seems i have to start some things all over. sometimes you forget what you have taught yourself. you forget the simple. you forget that desire is nothing more than passing water like rain and that it always falls. and you forget what it means to be brave. that bravery carries with it all the weight of a body clad in armor.

and it is lonely. most often. there is no one else to sit with you for very long, there inside your head. mostly bravey is about battling the edges of your own sharp convictions. all the things you tell yourself you're up against. so may this year come with some new found tools. some resoureces you didn't know you were working with, or have simply forgotten were in your shed.

and now. the specific.

1. i have been watching the door for a knocker. not a person, but a ghost. i have been listening to the air to see if someone was gonna' come fix my spine, but that hasn't happened. and it may not. i need to stretch more.

2. sometimes i want to pick up the phone and call my mother. usually, when i think of something like how she used to like plain potato chips. now i crave chips with no frills. the thing about chips is they're supposed to be comfort food. they're not supposed to turn your mouth into a pillar of salt or set it on fire or remind you of pizza or the great blue sea.

they're just supposed to crunch. that's their only job. to crunch.

3. my number one resolution this year is to get my book published. that's really it. everything else is negotiable. i think i did a pretty good job with my 13 number long list last year, even though i don't remember what was on the list for the most part. i think controlling my anger was one of them, practice some ol' zen type shit. pretty sure. i think i did alright. everyone is still standing.

4. alright i just thought of some more. i need to read more history. particularly, local history.

5. i resolve to look at the Polish language. i need to see what the hell i'm getting myself into here.

6. my father was a good man. a good father. and i love him. and i miss him.

Happy New Year.