dr. phil talks to the mirror

The following article is a note to myself and to all the rest of us in this bitter ass town who are trying to control our inner control-freak and our closet bitch/assholes.

1) start small. work from light to dark. if you ever took a drawing class, remember what your teachers told you. lighter can go darker, but darker can't go back. i think of this like discussing behaviors instead of slinging libel. if you say "it's hard for me to plan my day when you're more than 15 minutes late to our meetings", it's easier to build from that conversation, than to say "i just don't think you respect my time." and then have to prove your case with (notice...) alot of examples to justify the character slander.

2) ask questions and don't make assumptions. as you continue to dig the hole you are burying yourself in - this little tactic will give you and your shovel some wiggle room to piledrive your way out. it is important that we stop saying "If I was soandso, I would NEVER do that." The point is you aren't soandso, they probably function differently than you do. So if you feel disrespected, is it possible that your lines of respect are totally different than someone else's?

3) give up the last word. this shit is hard for us in d-town. the last word is everything. we need it. we suck on its mammoth ego tit. if you can get in the last word, whatever it is - that means you've graduated to bow-down status. mothafuckas that bet had recognized - recognize. this is why negroes all over the metro area peacock strut off from random ass conflicts and say:

have a blessed day!

i mean - what are you supposed to say to that. of course they get the last word. (that is pronounced, by the way, blest - in case you hadn't heard.) sometimes i want to say "don't say bless you when you mean fuck you." but here, i digress.

4) don't pretend you hate the motherfucker now. oh my god, the most childish shit you can do is when you get mad at someone, all of a sudden not be able to stand anything about them. that's why your ass is a humpback isn't something you would say to your broke-back friend on a good day when you love them. an argument is not the place to "let it all out". love their humpback (or their low i.q. or whorish ways) as much when they piss you off, as you did when it served you in your friendship!

5) admit when shit hurts. i've figured out, moreso working with the kids, that we really are about being hardcore - it's another detroit jones to kick. it's really hard for us, in the d especially, to admit that we can be vulnerable to someone else. that they affect us. but not only is it crucial to our interactions, i think it actually helps us get through our arguments more honestly.

6) watch your tone. sometimes if you can keep your tone level, and stay calm, the person you're talking to may not even realize you've just had an argument.

7) take a nigga to get a drink after you've lodged your complaints. nothing like some brew and music to put you in a better light.